Keys

Jesus came to a man in chains and said, "Here's the key. You're free!" Then shows him by removing the chains on his hands. The man puts the key in his pocket and jumps and shouts for joy, "I'm free, I'm free I'm free!" hey says.. He tries to walk and can't because his feet are still chained. Jesus, looks incredulously at the man, then with God like patience points to the key in his pocket and then at the chains on his feet.

The man, looks at his neighbor and tells him how Jesus freed him. His neighbor who only has one chain on his ankle looks at the man, with 2 chains on his feet. He says, "How are you free you're still chained up like me?" "You don't understand", the man said, "I'm free now, saved by Jesus" "Then why are your feet still in chains?" "That must be a lesson from God. I have to learn to deal with that. Let me tell you more about Jesus and how he saved me!"

Jesus shakes his head as he sees that all happen before him, and walks on with his bag of unused keys.

Why some of you don't have any wishes

At some point you made a wish, you said "I know to know it all" all-of-a-sudden your head explodes b/c God granted that as your only wish! Then you then go to heaven and try to contest your death saying you never said "i wish". God thinks about it then agrees and sends you back to earth but a few moments earlier so now there you are. Not really your fault but you have no more wishes, not even wiser for the wear! 

Hey, I don't make the rules, I'm just trying to help you guys understand why wishes don't always come true. Sorry about that (for you poor suckers who had something like this happen to you with out you knowing).

Thoughts on heaven

Dave's Heavenly House of Humus. That's my place in heaven, stop by if you make it up there. Everything is free since what sort of monetary system could work in heaven? None, I don't really care about that anyway, not in heaven anyway. No I'll have a small shop, next to the pita shack (not too clever a name but the pita is wonderful) We work together, basically the same place, but the other guy has his thing I have mine... anyway I digress. I know a lot of people are excited to get into heaven, go to the big feast, check out the golden streets, gaudy precious stone encrusted mansions, everyone running to claim theirs... a mad house I'm sure you can imagine. Oh and the celebrity Angeles, Saints, not to mention Jesus and God. Lord, will there be chaos initially.
So here's how I picture it, once you get past the long long line, that stretches for near infinity (you're there for eternity you can wait) this all just to get in, Saint Peter has to ask them all questions, and as you wait you talk at length to the people around you in line. I wonder if there will be little Mexican/Indian/etc children selling Chinese made trinkets along the way, just happy as can be that everyone is "buying". Anyway, skip to the end of the line (in story wise you can't skip in line to get into heaven... or at least nobody does for fear of hell) So skip to the end of the line Saint Peter asks you his question, and as much as you prepared you still have to think about this one... think, think, think, answer probably good enough, but there was a lot of pressure from the billions of people behind you. Anyway you're in! You get your welcome package from some overbearing Christians, who are way too eager to help out in heaven. You immediately throw the paper stack into the trash to hell. You are then ushered into HIS presence, names read form the Lambs book (of life but the of life was dropped some time before you got in) Anyway you get your new name, and it fits like a glove, or so you tell yourself since it's your name for eternity, might as well like it.
Now here's where most people go nuts running for their mansion, going to eat with Jesus, etc. Sure all the food is amazing, yaddi-yaddi-ya, Jesus is so nice, oh what a wonderful place. Well this is where the smart people know you have to stake your claim, make a new life for yourself in heaven. I'm already planning mine, hopefully, when I die I won't forget and have to think of a whole new life (while in line to heaven).
I want to interject that this whole thing came up because someone mentioned great toffee. I love toffee and hope to situate my Heavenly House of Humus somewhere near a great toffee, coffee, desert joint. Somewhere quaint away from the mansions. You know, I'm just no that into all the space for no reason. I mean I'll take a hot tub, and pool, nice game room, theater etc, but look I don't need 50 rooms (watch I get to heaven and everyone expects to stay over when they come and I'm like I only have 3 bedrooms and everyones like WHO ONLY HAS 3 BEDROOMS!?!?!) Maybe it will be a blessing when the in-laws come. I know you're not married in heaven, doesn't mean Molly and I won't be hanging out, that is unless Leaonado DeCaprio is single in heaven, then I might have to wait until she tires of him. Sheesh, how can you compete with that guy on earth much less if he makes it into heaven. Damn! Right? Anyway. I can go on and on about heaven so I'll stop here.
Oh and the "Cloud 9 Coffee Shop" guys don't go there, they are so unoriginal, sure their coffee is just as good as everyone else's, but come on! (Yes they think my name is dumb too, I bet we'll play soccer against them and tie every time since we're all equally good, arg!)

Oh even tho my name changes in Heaven I'm sticking to Dave's Heavenly House of Humus sort of as an homage to the person I was on earth. And so people know where to find me.

Thought for later, will there be search engines like googleHeaven.com for all the people? or just AskAnAngel.com? or maybe no .com's maybe just .god or .hvn or what if there's no internet!??!? Oh GOD!

Jesus, water into wine

Do you think Jesus drank wine, or just provided lots of it for his friends and friends of his parents? Do you think he turned water into wine a lot? I mean he does it once everyone loves it... people are going to ask again right? Or do you think he said, "no, no that was a one time deal, they ran out of wine and my mother really wanted me to do it", but lets be honest, that seems like he'd be willing to do it again.
And maybe there was one Disciple who was always asking, and he annoyed Jesus so Jesus told Peter, “I just don't have the heart to turn him away. When we leave tomorrow for Galilee just don't wake him”.
maybe at one point one Disciple had to yell at another, "STOP MOOCHING WINE OFF OF JESUS!!! God, go buy your own wine sometimes!"
Could it be that he did it once and everyone just let it go, and didn't talk about it much, then just put it in the bible? No, you know that HAD to come up again! Something like, “Jesus, you turned water into wine. We're all hanging out here, chillin' just drinking boring old water..." or the more direct "Come on, that was so easy for you!!! Hook a brotha-in-Christ up!" And if he did it'd mean Jesus was cool like that. Then they hi-five, and you know Jesus, you'd always get the perfect hi-five. You'd never get miss-hits or too sweaty hands.

Reach the stars, give them all to you

I often think about the lyrics to the cher song, "If I could turn back time" I'll get the the time turning part later (maybe) what I'd like to touch on now is the "If I could reach the stars, I'd give them all to you"
Couple a points on that;
1) There's no way anyone with a billion lifetimes could ever visit all the stars so whats the point of giving them all to you?
2) If you wanted to sell the resources for all the stars, you don't need them all to fulfill all the needs of a few worlds, so still only a few would suffice.
3) I think it's more romantic to give a select few stars that had some nice attributes that make them unique and a special gift. Like flowers, if I gave all the flowers in the world to someone they might initially be happy until they realized that all the weddings and funerals that happen any were around that time would be flowerless. A lot of the flowers would go to waste and not even be seen because of the massive pile of flowers that I just gave...
4) What would giving a star be like? And if you could reach them do you mean like a little twinkle in the star and just pick it out like a diamond? Well that's just ridiculous, and any sort of astrological movement that isn't in the normal scheme of things could have world ending ramifications (as I'm sure some of the readers already thought of an wanted this to be #1 on the list) Well I figured she also might have meant that reaching the stars by space ship, plan a flag and declare it the property of whomever she wanted to give it to. That method has so many problems I could write another blog post on it! (Yeah that many, a whole blog post, wow!)
5) It's a little selfish to want ALL the stars. How many stars can one person really use an appreciate. it's not like there's a shortage of them, it's more like, "Really? you need a trillion?"

So in conclusion I think the song sounds great and we can all enjoy it on a superficial level, and I'd like to say that 5-15 stars of varying sizes is plenty of stars for one person, any more than that and you better be a star collector. Oh and for the love of God no moving stars!

*The north star is already owned by NATO so don't even try to get that one.
** The big dipper is owned by J.P. Getty.
*** Orion's belt is owned by some Arab sheik in Dubai, but just the belt.
****Funny thing they didn't acquire these stars b/c they are rich but b/c they had the foresight to claim them when Cher was handing them out.

loopholes in the genie wish system

It occurred to me today that there might be a loophole in the genie wish system, that one of you out there could exploit. Should the time come that you find a genie lamp and get three wishes you'll be glad you read this. Hopefully you don't find one of those genies that only give you one wish, LAME! right? One wish, and you know you can't wish for more wishes, not with those cheap genies... actually I think the "wish for more wishes" loophole has long been fixed. There's no way they'd fall for that one anymore, my guess is if you'd wish for more wishes they'd give you one more wish (meaning they'd just replace the wish you used to make that wish) ANYWAY none of that has to do with the loophole in the system, all that is just setting up the ground work of mutual understanding having to do with the genie system in general.
So lets say you wish for a car and a pot of gold. 2 wishes right? yeah I agree. But what if you wish for a car with a pot of gold inside? AH? One wish! What? you disagree? Ok what if I wishes for a car with big tires? you can agree that's one wish, right? sure. Well then there has to be a gray area of wishes. I want you to get the most out of your wishes. BTW don't wish for a pot of gold in a car, gold is too heavy and would probably ruin the car. So you should be able to combine wishes into one wish, that's the loophole! I wish for a top of the line 7 series BMW with a trunk filled with (shares of apple stock)($100 bills)(diamonds). If you're really smart wish for something like 10 prototypes of a safe cold fusion reactor with the plans on top, BOOM you're soon to be the richest person ever.*1

So wishing advice, be careful what you wish for. You don't know this genie from Adam, you don't know if he's the kind of genie that tries to twist what you said into something horrible.*2 Like I wish for a Ferrari, you get a toy Ferrari or whatever. You wish for a ton of money, the money appears over your head and falls on you breaking your neck.(forcing you to use another wish to fix that) things like that. Wait on the wishing, get to know the genie, there's no rush.

Wish for something that keeps on giving. for example "I wish every time I reach into wallet theres a $500 in cash." Now a tricky genie will just withdraw that money from your account... annoying waste of a wish. See get to know the genie. A lot fo people in casual conversation make wishes, so watch yourself while getting to know your genie. If you say in passing you wish you didn't have to go into work today... doh wasted wish. Reading minds, telekinesis, invisibility, all good, still think it through. A wish of reading mind that uncontrollable would be horrible, constant noise of thoughts.

Don't wish for world peace, I could write a book on why that's a bad idea. Lets sum it up as don't wish for world changes, it's too broad, don't put that kind of power into the hands of a genie. Any world change requires millions if not billions of desisinos made in order for it to happen.

Last tip, Avoid wishes pertaining to time traveling. Messing with time is very hard to undo, remember chaos theory, the butterfly flaps it's wings and kicks up pollen that makes a buffalo sneeze causing a stampede, causing a storm... of course that's exaggerated a lot but still the idea is valid. Every change you make in history WILL have unimaginable consequences.

*1 unless you are killed by big oil companies, or some other ubber rich business that you will make obsolete.
*2 "But Aladdin's genie was wonderful!" Don't make me slap you! That's a movie, and it's not real.

Knowing family

So I grew up in a big family, and my sister said to me today, "... and you know me..." and went on about her story. That got me thinking. I don't really know my own sister anymore, or any of my siblings for that matter. When I say know, I mean know who they've become. I talk to them but I don't see them but once a year for a few days. To know someone is to know the changing person. That can only be through longer interaction. Seeing choices made, situations dealt with. That is, to see the person they are becoming/are. Not to say a person is their actions but that does seem to be something closest relating to who someone is, in the way I'm defining it (in my head anyway for this instance)
The trouble with siblings is that as we grow older they sort of stay the same, maybe grow at 1/10 their actual development in our lives that they do in their own. We miss out on so many changes. I'm trying to understand in my head how to resolve this.

I'll start by trying harder to listen to what they actually saying and not listen for them to reinforce the stereotype of them I have in my head. I've seen that mistake in others and never thought it was also the plank in my own eye. Hard to say you don't know someone as close to you as a brother, but I think it takes strength to say it and to try to accept that, and open your mind back up to a new person.

I'll say this, family, what is that strong and strange tie that links us together?

My wifes double life

This is the post that is on 90% of blogs, "I've been neglecting my blog and I'm going to really try to make an effort to post some stuff." Thats why my first posted blog stated that I may or may not update my blog in any sort of frequency that I feel I will or will not do... ah or it says that lets see how well I do in posting, and so far it's been a little weak. I think I post comments on other poeples blogs way more than I post to my own... anyway I'm bored at hearing anymore thoughts on this.

Oh I loved that I happened across a blog the other day from a woman complaining that she thinks her husband never reads her blog! LOL, That cracks me up. I think if my wife bloggeed, I'd read it at first, but it was the same stuff she told me about that day then I would stop reading it. However, if it were secret details of her hiden, double life that I've always wondered how she managed to do with out me having even the slightest bit of eveidence to say she has... Ok that was a run on sentence and even I'm forgetting what I'm saying. I'm saying if my wife had a blog that said things about her secret double life, then I'd be terribly interested about how she manages to spend so much time with me and yet is able to fit in another life on the side!!! She'd DEFINITLY have to be ninja trained, that grace and skill alone would be hard to keep from my keen observing eye. And the skill and knowlage that would be involved in learning to hide that skill.. it's just too much for me to believe... Lets say she didn't have a ninja skill, but rather the lucky James Bond type skill. Where she always got back into "place" right at the right time. Then I WOULD have no evidence, but no evidence is not evidence. That she is, I bet, banking on! No, no, no she can't. I haven't had her followed to her lunches, so I can't be sure she IS eating lunch, that would explain her physique, skipping lunch to do spy stuff for the governement, or work for crime bosses of the underowrld of LA stealing famous works of art, Gosh it really could be either! She did say she wanted to go see the King Tut exibit, I wonder if she's scouting it out and I'm her cover? The only way for me to find out is to start a double life of my own, one of mystery and intrigue!!! Where the slightest miscalculation and the proverbial deck of cards would come crashing down! Ah, the double life. Well, I'll let you all know how it goes, or I'll forget to, or I'll be in a turkish prison and can't... not that I would in that situation b/c blogging wouldn't be a priority at that juncture. It will however make for a great novel! Until I write again...

Shoes of the apocalypse

Funny thing about me is, when I put shoes on, not always, but anytime I put on shoes other than my every day shoes I think, “Are these the shoes I’d want to be wearing if the apocalypse happens today?” Funny thing though, I don’t normally think about the apocalypse. I don’t think about what that means or how that would happen, I just think about how pissed I be if I had on dress shoes or something, or on the contrary I’d be happy that I had on such a rugged pair of boots that day. I watch WW2 movies and how shoes are the first thing people take from a dead body. I mean if you only have what you had on, for the post apocalyptic world shoes would be a big thing, right?

Raining today

So LA's been getting a lot of rain lately. I like it that it washes my car and that it gives me a feeling of comfort. Why is that? (Not the washing car why but the comfort part) Rain feels like it protects me, there are less people on the street, you can't see people in other cars very well. So there's the primal fear of people. Hmmm I also likie the sound, it's better that the busy sound of the city, and traffic. Well it's a nice break in that sound anyway. Ok I feel like rain is kind of boring to talk about everyone likes rain or doesn't who cares it's small talk anyway.
Well what eva'
I'll write more later.
(unless I die, then I hope you forgive me, aaaaaaand if you don't I won't care either)

Shaved head

I shaved my head today, not bald but close. I find it strange how it's a subtle shock every time I look in the mirror. Like I'm not ready for it all to be off. I've done this a lot before and you'd think I'd be used to it. ... But I'm boring myself writing about my hair. I love that. "So what's your blog about?" someone might ask. I'll say well so far I've written a brief hello and a little about my hair.
Well what am I supposed to write about, anything. I say that more for me, than you. I have to keep reminding myself that there is no point. I can write whatever I feel.
Here's something the moved me today. I hear a story on npr about a little boy in Africa born with AIDS. He was the oldest boy in Africa born with AIDS, he was 11. The moving thing is how the interviewers talks about the boy and during the interview he [the interviewer] wants to stop because he can tell the boy is losing his strength. But the boy won't let him he wants to talk about death to him. He's not afraid of dieing. That's not unusual, people whoa re sick and have had to face death for a long time have become a custom to the thought of death. What stuck me what the boys mantra. He said, comming form a boy who's very very weak and the thinnest person alive, he said "to do the best you can with what you're given, in the time you have, where you are." I think that touched me because I've been thinking about how I cannot effect large things in life (I'll elaborate more later) but for example the election or something along those lines. I got upset when the election didn't come out as I was hoping. I felt upset because I did everything I could, talked to people, etc, but it didn't help. Or rather it didn't change the out come. So I began to realize that I don't make an impact on the world as a whole but I do make a big impact on the people immediately around me. My wife, for example, if I were to come home in a bad mood I could put her in a bad mood. So it's all in perspective. My importance in life. I'll have to expound on that more later... it will always be more later. The thought are coming in my head too fast for me to type.

…and then they are gone.

Hey hey hey blog!

So this is blog. Well I'm a big cliché with my oh look at me I'm new to blogging if that what you call the act of doing this. Well I'm going to make this short and write more at home.

Well here is my first musing. I don't really like that word since it sounds like I'm an old woman, with my "musings". Oh and another thing the puctuation here is as I deem fit. I am in the top 5 percentile of run on sentence makers so get used to it.

And my last thought before I go back to work, why do I want to blog? Do I think I have something to say? Will people read it? I donno. I guess I don't care. I used to write in a jurnal, well sort of. I guess over time you'll see how often I write in my journal. Oh I got off the point I can't read my hand writing and I'd like to go back to it sometimes. Ok well I'll write more later. (again that is obvious since it is assumed that you will write more later, GOD!) I'm a cliche and a hypocrite and comforatable with that. ok I'l get to that more later. I'll ramble on and on if I don't cut myself off, ask anyone who knows me.